So…. Driving through Cairns yesterday we see a sign for Sizzler…

Bill and I haven’t eaten there before, the kids are intrigured by the theory of all you can eat and we think to ourselves, well, there is 8 of us, we are trying to do this trip on a budget and we did hire a mini bus van thing.. People who drive mini bus van things eat at Sizzler all the time, So we made the commitment ‘tonight we feast on Sizzler’

We arrived at our destination at around 7pm, we are greeted by a local whom was kind enough to relay to us in his Queensland accent ‘Don’t choose the steak, its glued together’

Not entirely comprehending what Glued steak is or entirely put off by it we proceeded to the counter, where one is requested to read the menu, place an order and pay for the entire meal upon arrival. This took us a little longer then they are used to as we are not the once a week Sizzler heads that were currently occupying the restaurant.

It was my responsibility to request the gluten free menu, for Kaytlen who is of course Cyliac, I assumed that after the severe case of food poisening which lead to an apologetic add campaign a few years ago they would present me with an extensive GF menu. The woman working the till who Bill reffered to as ‘the brains of the operation’ proved me wrong. The look on her face at my request suggested that she had possibly only just at that second realised that her mother was also her aunty, oh the confusion.

After giving the staff a brief lesson on nutrition we established a general understanding for the word gluten along with establishing that it is basically the staple ingredient at Sizzler, there is gluten in the chips, ice cream probably even the water. Why? because like everything at Sizzler flour is cheap.

The décor is cheap, the soft serve is watery, the cheese is pre grated. The chief, who I’m sure was on sick leave due the Tennis elbow he has aquired while opening packets and cans all day obviously found his qualifications at the local Coles.

At desert time I picked up a spoon from a tray labled ‘Apple Strudle’ It was raw apple with cereal flicked over the top, my brother Will just walked past me and shook his head. I thought better of it.

When a waiter clearing our table accidently dropped a steak knife that landed half a cm away from Billie-Violets arm I would have usually been mad, not at Sizzler as the steak knives are so cheap they cant penetrate skin, just gluey steak. When I tried to explain this to our waiter he gave me the same look Brains had given me earlier that left me wondering if he had just figured out that his uncle was his dad.

Billie Violet gracefully broke the awkward tension by declaring her need for a poo and the waiter directed us and was quickely on his way, as any Jet Star flight attendant will tell you, uneatable food doesn’t sell itself.

The only thing that I can safely say wasn’t cheap about our sizzler experience was the actual price, around $35 a head mini van or no mini van I wont be returning.