To Let Go

There is a discussion, a discussion that I've had over and over again. It's between my dad and I, its a discussion that never happened a discussion of love from a position of regret. A discussion about the one thing that I have not mastered, the ability to let go.

The day I was born my dad was there, as every dad does he looked at his daughter in wonder of her pure perfections. Every goodbye broke a little piece of our hearts and inside my mine I begged him to stay.
There is something very special about a father and his daughter. My dad was my humble teacher, my subtle persuader, with lessons that neither he, not I ever saw coming. Lessons of freedom and originality, lessons of love and above all else acceptance.
I could tell my dad anything, we spoke of my fears from STDs to broken hearts and he never failed to reassure me. We spoke of his loves from life painting in Irish pubs to beating his brothers in crosswords. And we spoke of the woman that I wished I was knowing that by his accord I was already her.

When I was old enough I handed him my daughter, those same endless and unconditional blue eyes looked down at her immediately reflecting the flawless girl he saw before him, that same flawless reflection that skipped in front of him his slow walk all those years ago.

The day he died I was there, holding his hand, flooding his pillow with tears whispering my acceptance  of his departure, ensuring him that I'll take care of my sister who lay by his side in her own world of grief. I spoke encouraging words of his transition. All the while inside my heart I once again begged him to stay.

Now my daughter asks me where that gentile man has gone, and Im left not only mending my own heart but finding the strength to teach her heart the one most important lesson we are put here to master, the ability to let go.

In this discussion I use all my powers as his daughter to convince him to stay, I beg him to love me enough and forgive me enough for not recognising his pain, just enough to stay.
In this discussion he looks at me as if Im that new born baby again, his big blue eyes fall on me, engulfing me with the simple kindness that is my dad. He tells me to let go baby, you have your own baby now. Your a humble teacher, a subtle persuader, you cant even see it coming.
And then I realise that this is my dad and his parting gift of the one most important lesson he will ever teach me and I will ever learn, the ability to let go.